Cosmo Says You're Fat, Well I Ain't Down With That

Apologies for my absence, it's been quite crazy lately! I've been thinking a lot about relationships, how they play into how we see ourselves, and how they can either pick up on our insecurities or put them to rest. As I've said before, I have a pretty strict diet. I probably eat clean anywhere from 80-100% of the time and any guy I've ever dated has known this. They've also been fully aware of the fact that I indulge occasionally on the weekends because I kill it during the week. Sadly, that hasn't stopped them from counting calories, the tans fat, the carbs or whatever it was that they were obsessed with counting. I'm a big believer in not trashing your body, but I also know stress is a killer and taking all enjoyment out of food, to the point where you crash and binge, is not a good thing either. 

It's funny because I've let this behavior get to me in the past, convinced myself that the reason things ended were because I wasn't good enough but the truth is I let them get to me and I lost myself in the process. Thankfully, it was one of the many sparks that lit the fire I've been running on for the last eight months. I work hard, my blood tests are all in the healthy range, I am seen by a functional medicine doctor every 3-6 months and am monitored closely. I have grown to love myself unconditionally, appreciate my body because it is unique to me and am truly the happiest I've ever been. Clearly what the media says and what some people around me say rolls right off of me these days. I work hard, harder than most people I know and I eat healthier than pretty much everyone I know. So I'm going to enjoy my occasional burger, pizza, pasta, what have you and I really could care less how many calories, grams of fat or whatever else we're worrying about is in there these days because I'm here to live life, not worry it away. 

That being said, today's food consumption included a green smoothie, salad for lunch, Kind bar for a snack and I'll have a bison burger with Brussels sprouts for dinner. I've had all my supplements, did a Himalayan Salt water flush and drank my teas.

Fat Is NOT A Choice.. At Least Not for Everyone

A lot of fit and skinny people seem to have this common misconception that fat is a choice, but for some of us, they could not be more wrong...

I am twenty nine years old, I am 5'2" and I currently weigh 159 pounds. I do some form of exercise almost every single day and I try to hit 5,000 steps per day (which I typically exceed). My diet consists mostly of fruits, veggies, seafood, meat, eggs, organic tea, and water and occasionally raw nuts, honey, decaffeinated coffee and either coconut or almond milk. If I indulge in something, it's only when I go out (which is very rare) and it's always gluten free, and usually dairy free if I can manage it. If I'm going to eat carbs or sugar, I try to consume it prior to noon, I eat a lot of salads, smoothies (packed with spinach, flax seed and fruit), I try to have protein at every meal and I try to eat 4-5 small meals per day. My exercise has been a combination of PiYo (Pilates + yoga), Focus T25 and lifting as of late, and I try to do one of these at least 5-6 days a week, if not squeezing in two per day if possible. On top of all of this, I also take Borage Oil, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, Iron, DHEA, Ashwagandha, Fish Oil, Cinnamon, Probiotics and Magnesium every single day.

You're probably looking at this thinking, okay, she works out, quite a bit, she eats hardly any carbs, pretty much no processed foods and she doesn't skimp on calories so it's not like her body is going into starvation mode... she has to be lying about something. But I promise you, I'm not. And I'm not the only person who struggles with weight that goes through this same exact problem. This mystery is something I'm still working on with my doctor, who I see at least twice per year and she's just as stumped as I am. To prove my point that just because someone is a little curvy or packs on a few more pounds than they should does not mean that they are lazy, eat bad foods, are necessarily unhealthy and that it's a choice, I am going to try to post on here what I eat, what my steps were that day, what I did for exercise and if I took my supplements, and it starts today.

Here is how my day has played out so far, keep in mind I am currently doing a 10 Day cleanse:

1. Took all of my supplements + my Young Living Oils (Peppermint, Thieves, Lemon, Orange + Lime) + a tablespoon of coconut oil this morning
2. Drank Peach Detox Tea + Himalayan Salt Water this morning
3. Had a mid-morning Shake that consisted of Flax Seed, Water, Spinach, Blueberries, a banana and peaches.
4. Had another tea after my morning shake.
5. Had a juice that had beets, carrots, kale and ginger for a noon meal
6. I'll have 3 eggs and a cucumber here in a bit, preceded by a Himalayan Salt Water.
7. I'll probably have another tea before I leave.
8. Dinner will be some more of the shake I had for breakfast with maybe an egg
9. I'll do PiYo (Pilates + Yoga) for my workout tonight
10. I'll take another dose of Fish Oil + DHEA + Borage Oil before bed
11. By the time this day is over, I will probably have hit 7,000 + steps

Life Lessons... From A Haircut

If someone had asked me if I thought that one of my "AHA!" moments would be a result of donating my hair, I would have giggled and said, "Transitions don't come from cutting your hair, they come from defining life moments." But somehow, cutting my hair last week DID become a defining life moment.

Three years ago now, I fell really hard for someone I thought was amazing. And just as quickly as it began, it ended. It was abrupt, it was very hard to grasp, and it took me two years to get over it. It messed with me almost more than any other life event has. And I thought I had fully let that go, but I hadn't. It wasn't until I had ended yet another defining relationship that I realized just how far removed I was from my core. And I had no one to blame but myself.

Somehow in the last three years, I started down this journey where I ate what I thought I was supposed to, grew out my hair and really tried to work on my health because I magically thought this would fix whatever was "wrong" with me and I'd inevitably win my "one true love" back; FALSE. In shedding my locks I realized one major thing; I wasn't doing anything for me. My growth, my hair, my lifestyle, all a direct result of what I thought I was supposed to be doing. And the truth is, if you can't see through the muck who someone is and love them for their core, then that person was never your one true love to begin with. I was changing everything I was for something that didn't even exist. And the most important lesson in all of this is that nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING that you ever do should ever feel anything but 100%. You can do it for someone else, but just make sure you're true to yourself in the process.

For instance, my current hair. My awesome, wonderful, bouncy, sassy, short "DO" is me. It has my personality written all over it. And shouldn't everything I do, ESPECIALLY how I live my life, have me written all over it? I'm not a frightened person, I am fearless. I don't back away from a challenge, I run it down and I own it. I have survived circumstances that no child should ever have to go through, but I glared down that beast like I was HULK. And somehow, in the last couple of years or more even, I have become so frightened, by everything. Everything I was doing was out of fear or for someone else, and that's no way to live.

For years I've felt lonely and almost desperate for companionship. But now, after this transformation, it's almost like I have this big hand, holding my heart, giving me its warmth, it's strength and its comfort. I don't feel alone and I certainly don't feel scared to walk the next chapter of my life standing on my own two feet. I know I have the love and support of my whole family but this journey is one that has to be done alone.

And to all of my friends out there who are going through some kind of growth, just listen to your heart. Is the path you're going down the one that YOU want? Are you doing it for you? Don't be scared to fight for yourself, even if you have to do something very scary to get there, because I promise the other side is full of possibility, warmth and endless love. You will be unstoppable.

Get Your Teeth Looking Their Best

People are always telling me how nice my teeth are and asking me what I do, therefore I thought I would share my regiment.

Step 1: I combine baking soda + Tom's fluoride free tooth paste + water and I use that as my tooth paste and brush with my sonicare tooth brush for two minutes. Once I rinse, I floss with Tom's fluoride free floss.

Step 2: I then mix 1 part Tom's fluoride and alcohol free mouth wash with 1 part hydrogen peroxide (active ingredient in whitening strips) and swish anywhere from 30 seconds to one minute. I find the peroxide not only helps to whiten my teeth but if I have any kind of canker sore or cut, it helps to clean it out and heal.

Step 3: I oil pull with organic coconut oil for 20 minutes. I break off a little piece and swish it around my mouth. No need to melt it if it's in solid form as it melts quite quickly from the heat of your mouth.

I try to do this every day but it's not necessary and I think once a day at most is good enough. You should notice a difference within a few days and be on your way to getting your best smile. Nothing makes you feel better than being able to flash a mouth full of pearly whites.

Clean Eats: Bacon + Avocado Egg Salad

I've gotten a lot of requests for the following recipe, therefore I felt it necessary to share! This is an easy recipe to prepare ahead of time and all you have to do is reheat the bacon stove top, in a toaster oven or a full oven. Microwaving it will zap the nutrients and you certainly don't wish to do that!

Ingredients

1 Medium Haas Avocado
2 slices of uncured bacon (Cooked however you wish. I cooked my bacon stove top first with just Himalayan Salt and Freshly Ground Pepper then reheated it in the toaster oven. It was perfectly crispy which is definitely KEY here!)
2 hard boiled eggs
Himalayan Salt and Freshly Ground Pepper to taste

Take your lovely, ripe Avocado, cut it up and scrape out all the deliciousness and mash in a bowl. Cut up your hard boiled eggs and mix well with the avocado. Finally, if your bacon isn't already, cut up your 2 slice of bacon into bite size bits and mix with the avocado and egg. I just did a few cracks of Himalayan salt and it was perfect but some people like pepper in theirs as well. Stir and enjoy!

Week 2 of Cleanse Reflection

Going into week three of the cleanse now and I'm noticing some amazing differences, even bigger differences than I have in the past. I've always known that cleansing lowers your testosterone levels, hence why the weight tends to go in the areas that men typically gain it I would imagine. That being said, I've noticed a significant decrease in my facial hair growth as well as a decrease in hair loss on top of my head. This is something that has hardly ever slowed since I began losing it. I literally just got choked up on the phone expressing this to my mother. This is something I have been dreaming about for no less than nine years. It's absolutely unbelievable to me. My skin has also been unbelievable as well. I've noticed a huge difference in my face. 

My upper arms are incredibly soft. I'm actually sure my coworkers think I'm a creep because I definitely just took my arm out of my blazer and started caressing my arm. Ew, I even sound creepy just writing it! Haha. The healing capabilities of my pimples has also decreased from seven days to just two. I honestly am shocked by the improvements and can't wait to see where I am a few months from now.

Overall, as of this morning, I am down a total of 10lbs (4lbs for round two). On average I'm losing 5lbs per week therefore I'm hoping I get down to 145lbs by the end of this cleanse. I'll also be quite excited to see how many inches I've lost come next Monday. Post cleanse I hope to continue eating the way I have and perhaps incorporating some seafood. I plan to only eat meat and have cheat meals when eating out and eating Clean/Pescatarian the remainder of the time all the while tracking it via Weight Watchers. I also plan to continue doing double T25 workouts, riding my bike on the weekends and starting to train for a half marathon that I hope to do in November. Hoping this is the beginning of the next part of my journey!

Week 1 in Review

The first week went better than I had anticipated. I'm down 6lbs already and I can really see it in my face and stomach. I keep looking in the mirror, a little too much. The bloating has gone down quite a lot and it's really exciting, especially in my fingers. Despite eating less, I've discovered that I'm not as hungry. If I eat too much, I feel it immediately. 

On yet another high note, I saw my functional medicine doctor on Monday. I cannot believe I went so long without seeing one. It's just unbelievable to be able to sit down in a doctors office and say, "I'm finding that I have pimples around my hairline and forehead," and have them respond with, "Are you using gluten free hair care?" Something I would not have thought of in a million years and something that would have prompted any other doctor to suggest medications or medicated cream to get rid of it, or suggested a million tests to figure out what it was. The days of going through medications and multiple tests is over. I honestly don't know how I ever went without a Functional Medicine doctor. They're quick when you want them to be but my visits always last an hour at least because that's how much time they're willing to spend with you. If you're interested in finding a functional medicine doctor near you, below is the site I used to find mine. For those who are local to the Boston area, my doctor works out of the Dedham location for Visions Healthcare and they also have a location in Wellesley. If you find that you get sick often, are on a lot of medications, have serious health issues, etc I highly recommend these kinds of doctors. They focus on the source instead of just putting you on medications that cover up the issue. It's truly amazing!

http://www.functionalmedicine.org/

Cleanse Day 3

Had a decent day yesterday. Woke up feeling great! Amazing what a difference two days can make. 

I left my Shakeology at home yesterday morning and replaced it with a Naked Blue Machine smoothie. I more or less swapped dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner but I have to admit it had a negative affect on me for the day. After lunch, around one-thirty, I started to get Vertigo that put me into an almost narcoleptic state if you will. I ended up having to leave work around three instead of five therefore I've certainly learned my lesson! DO NOT SKIP THE SHAKEO! Feeling much better today and hoping that as long as I stay on track with my previous schedule, I'll be just fine. I still have a breakout on the right side of my forehead but other than that, my face is really improving. It may just be because I'm more mindful of how much I exfoliate in the morning but my skin is definitely improving as well, especially my arms. The keratosis pelaris seems to love the cleanse. Looking forward to seeing how I feel by the end of day four.

Cleanse Day 2

Water Consumption: 84oz

I slept much better last night. Woke up and the edema has greatly diminished yet again in both my stomach and fingers (what they usually look like in the image on the left and what they look like today on the right). I swear I can already see a difference in my face. The headache is gone today although it was replaced by low energy and vertigo. Hoping another good night sleep will kick this by tomorrow.

Cleanse Day 1

Week 1 Cleanse Regiment

Breakfast
Supplements: Mineralize, Optimize, Vitamin D3, Iron, Vitamin C, Magnesium, Zinc + Wild Yam Root
Meal: Shakeology

Lunch
Supplement: Mineralize + Optimize
Meal: Balsamic Rosemary Chicken + wild rice with herbs and sunflower seeds

Snack
Supplement: Mineralize + Alkalinize
Meal: Granny Smith Apple

Dinner
Supplement: Mineralize, Optimize, Soothe + Wild Yam Root
Meal: Blue Machine Smoothie (Organic not from concentrate apple juice, 3 blackberries, 1 cup blueberries + 1 banana)

Water Consumption: 48oz

Did not sleep well last night unfortunately, woke up with a headache and my stomach was not feeling great. As the day has gone on both my headache and stomach have felt much better and I'm looking forward to getting a good nights rest tonight. Day one has gone strong and I'm excited to see results at the end of this in how I look, feel and my cravings for bad food. So far I'm already feeling and seeing a difference in my fingers as the swelling has gone down. I've decided to combine the Clean cleanse regiment with the Ultimate Reset. I'll be consuming one liquid meal in the morning, one solid at lunch, an apple for a snack in the afternoon, and another liquid meal for dinner while removing toxins and slowly working towards a vegetarian diet by week three.

Struggling, but Setting Myself Up for a Win

I sometimes like to think that my body doesn't react the way it does and that I'm above the affects that food has on my body in some way. But then my weight or the intense breakout I wake up to the next morning will remind me that I'm not impervious to it all. Stress, as we all know, is not an easy factor to deal with. Like the INSANE cravings for an entire box of chocolates or pizza that comes over me every time I think about my breakup this year. For those of you dealing with far worse, you're probably thinking, oh get over it already but living with a broken heart is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. And that's saying something coming from someone who grew up in an abusive home. When it all boils down to it, I've honestly struggled the last two years. I've been moving in the right direction but I haven't quite found my groove yet. I recently reached out to some fellow Beachbody coaches, and friends, who also seemed to be struggling and oddly enough, the only time any of us had ever truly lost weight and been able to stick to the program, was with weight watchers. Right before Thanksgiving we joined forces and every Sunday, we three weigh in together, have a call and then support one another in both our wins, and losses. In the last two and a half weeks I have lost 5lbs, and guess what, I haven't even been perfect! I've cleansed, I try to drink a shake at least once a day and I have a smoothie at least once a day and I try my best to eat clean, but I'm tracking everything, even the bad stuff. It's helped me to not binge away an entire day but rather just one meal. I must say, the need to binge in general is slowly leaving my system and I'm so thankful for it. For instance, Monday night I had the worst chocolate craving ever and in all honesty, I typically would have run out to CVS and grabbed some chocolate or ice cream, but instead, I had one cup of mint hot cocoa and was more than content with just that little treat. Of course it wasn't Clean eats but with this disorder, you can't win all day every day so we do the best we can and come back fighting the next day. I've been hard on myself in the past but in these last few weeks, if I've had to indulge, I've let myself do it and enjoy every second of it. It helps me to love myself a little more and lets me hate myself a little less and in the end, I find that I'm not craving the bad stuff as much as I usually do. So who knows, maybe part of where our cravings stem from is our own negativity. I couldn't tell you honestly, but all I have to say is, it's making a big difference in my life to be kinder to myself.

Bloating + Edema

On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, my edema has always been about an eight or nine. I've always hated wearing bracelets or watches because I've always felt that it only draws attention to how chubby and kid-like my hands look. Not to mention, at the end of the day, a lot of the time my ankles and feet were so swollen, it was painful to get going again after sitting all day. The worst of it all has always been my stomach. I've never really considered myself to be all that big necessarily but my mid section, from my chest to my hips, has always been the largest part of my body and always swollen looking. 

Since switching to Clean eating, this has all changed. It was my birthday recently and I kind of slipped into the abyss after having cake and chocolates brought to me for my birthday dinner. I decided to start challenging myself staring today (November 4th) by trying to eat Clean, drink more shakes/smoothies and try to stick to a workout regiment. Day one is down and my flanges are looking beautiful. It never seems to go back into my feet anymore unless I've had a LOT of sodium or alcohol, but it always goes right for my stomach and fingers. My stomach isn't great, still pretty 'gurgley' truth be told but my fingers are looking the best they have in some time! 

I always forget how awesome day one feels until I'm there again. My goal is to get to Thanksgiving with a perfect record. We'll see if it happens but I'm very hopeful! This time I not only want to prove something to others, but really myself. I went through a breakup in the last ten months and I always feel that makes you question yourself. What did I do wrong? Am I not attractive enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I rude? Did I push? And so on, and so forth. I think that doubt has been fueling my health decisions for the last ten months and it is time I break away from that. I am out to prove something, prove that I can overcome every doubt that was planted in my head these last two years. Here goes nothing!

PCOS Periods + Clean Eating

I have been on birth control for twelve years now and three months ago decided to take a break. I've always been scared to because my face explodes the moment I come off of it (which it did, but that's my own fault as I have not been eating as Clean as I should) and my periods were never regular (which they now are). Thanks to the healing powers of Clean eating, I had the strength to once again try to come off of birth control. I have been tracking it and every 34 days for the last three months I have had a cycle like clockwork. My energy levels used to be so depleted during it and now they're not. Not to mention my cravings aren't ravenous anymore either. All and all it's a much more pleasurable experience than I remember. I will admit that the cramps were excruciating for an hour here or there but I blame myself for that as I snuck some gluten for my birthday this year. Staring today (Sunday, November 3, 2013) I am making a pact with myself that between now and Thanksgiving, I am going to be absolutely perfect in my clean eating. Starting with Cleansing, today. I'll be tracking my progress and taking pictures as I go so I can share my results. I'm excited to feel even better during my next cycle. Keep on trekking cysters!

Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS

One of my worst symptoms has always been Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I would be somewhere and out of the blue get sweaty, start to have terrible stomach pains and be forced to run to the bathroom and would be there for a good fifteen minutes. It was always horribly painful and I hardly ever saw a solid bowel movement. It certainly didn't help that some of my teachers in middle school, high school and even college were sometimes jerks about my being gone too long. Sometimes it was brought on by certain foods and other times it was brought on by nothing less than stress. In severe scenarios where I was truly anxious and stressed, I would become nauseous and even get sick. I would have terrible spells of it while on dates, dealing with stressful teachers, classes and employers, etc. My stomach was always bloated and in some cases, if I had been sitting for too long, for instance at school or work, my stomach would almost regurgitate gas back into my stomach. Almost like an interior fart and of course it sounds like a fart even though it never actually smells. All in all, a completely embarrassing symptom to deal with beyond belief. Using the toilet in a public place was always horrible. Nervous that you would stink up the whole place on top of letting out the most embarrassing noises while going. Of course my PCOS 'specialists' recommendation was always more prescriptions or over the counter drugs.  

Then a friend suggested reading the book that has really, truly become my saving grace. No magic pills, no crazy diets, just simple 'Clean' eating (the book is called 'Clean' by Dr. Alejandro Junger). I noticed a difference in a WEEK. I wasn't passing gas all the time because dairy seems to be my trigger for that, I wasn't running to the bathroom all the time because I wasn't eating gluten, fried foods, etc. The bloating and edema slowly dissipated and the terrible run ins with diarrhea were replaced by (I know it sounds crazy) but GLORIOUS bowel movements. In and out of the bathroom in minutes, none of this quarter of an hour or more craziness. Now going to the bathroom isn't something I fear. I don't get sweaty any longer, stress isn't a factor and anxiety is a thing of the past. No waking up in the night with terrible stomach pains or being woken up because I HAVE to go to the bathroom. It really has changed my life. I'm not the sweaty chubby kid with the stomach issues any longer. My confidence is no longer shaken at how I present myself.

Keratosis Pelaris

For as long as I can remember, my skin has always been a problem area for me and a source of embarrassment. I have the worst Keratosis Pelaris I have ever seen on anyone and while I never shied away from wearing short sleeve shirts or skirts, I've always been very aware of its visibility to others. I have been eating Clean for the most part for the last two years now and have noticed a miraculous turn around with my KP. I know it's going to sound weird but I shave and exfoliate as much as possible, that combined with removing dairy from my diet has made a huge difference. 

The image on the left is just one spot on the back of my arms now and that's all that's left of the truly red spots. The two images on the right are of the rest of my arms and how they look now. I have actually started to get baby soft skin at the top of my arms near my shoulders and it's slowly been making its way down my arm. My stomach and sides are almost completely free of it now and my legs are improving greatly as well. I honestly never thought that I would see this day.

In other news, I have been exfoliating my neck where the dark skin spots were visible and have noticed a huge decrease in darkness. After one week of challenging myself to eat Clean, track my calories and exercise for an hour, I have lost 5lbs. My goal is to lose another 9lbs before my birthday and after this week, I know I can do it. Things are looking up for my twenty seventh year on the planet!

A Moment of Genuine Freedom

Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment's experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom. 

-Tara Brach in Radical Acceptance

What is freedom to you? In what ways are you neglecting yourself, judging yourself or rejecting opportunities to change your life because you continuously make excuses to not follow through?

 Freedom to me is being able to buy my own house, perhaps work from home full time eventually, become a stay at home fur Momma, find that one person who makes my world stop and to feel comfortable and sexy in my own skin. I sometimes question if this is all possible but deep down I know if I commit to being consistent every single day I will succeed. There may be others in my life that do not believe I can accomplish all this but it does not matter, because I know I can. 

I think a big part of the reason why I do not always believe in myself is because my father always used to tell me I was making excuses, even when I was telling the truth, he would say I was lying or making excuses. I think after hearing it over and over again, you start to believe it, especially at a young age. It began around the time I was five and has been an ever present comment throughout my entire life. Going through formative years hearing this certainly has an impact on someone's habits and psyche. It is hard breaking that mold but again, if I am consistent and believe in myself every single day, I know I can accomplish great things. Including, but not limited to, having the body I have always wanted. I have already overcome a great number of my symptoms thanks to Clean eating, what is one more?

It is raining today and I can really only feel the fatigue on days like today however I will not let it stop me. I plan to eat Clean the remainder of the day and do my double workout. I am down two pounds from Monday and I plan to keep heading in the right direction. Determination + Belief will be the key to my success.

I have come to terms with where my life has been and how it has played out thus far but part of Radical Acceptance is facing that pain and truth and knowing how to change it in the future and that's what I intend to do.

I Feel Pretty

With this disorder, I feel that sometimes we don't always feel as girly as we would like. Thankfully, Pinterest is here to save me from my 'ugly' skin. Everyone says I have gorgeous skin, but honestly without makeup it's quite blotchy and I feel quite hideous without anything on...

www.maskcara.com is a great resource for hair and makeup tips. I used her video on HAC to make my face have that glow that I guess may be the source of the 'you have great skin' compliments I receive. This only took about 10 minutes when all was said and done and I imagine it will take less once I have it down pat. Makeup really can make a world of difference with this disorder and while some girls can get away with not wearing it, it certainly helps me to forget everything else that I see wrong with my body. So today, tomorrow, whenever, turn those negative voices into your head into positive ones and do something to make you feel good about the way you look because despite this disorder, we all have some good bits on us!

On another high note, I removed oatmeal from my diet yesterday and my fingers, toes and stomach are already on their way back to normalcy which is great! I hate having chubby phalanges and belly. I will be 27 in 7 weeks and I'm hoping to be 146lbs by then (a 14lb weight loss). I have signed up for MyFitnessPal (eliaslauren) and plan to track everything I do. Feeling great about everything so far and hoping to continue in a positive direction. Trek on cysters!

Radical Acceptance

When I first started seeing my doctor, she went over my entire medical history with me, including my background. Which at first I did not quite understand, but then she explained. Due to having a traumatic childhood, it caused unnecessary stress on my system and at the pique of the abuse, my symptoms started to show their ugly head. Some think the symptoms start at puberty, however I had begun showing signs of puberty, including getting my period, back in elementary school and my symptoms did not show up until high school. She said that stress was directly related to how the symptoms manifested and that being said it makes perfect sense. All of my symptoms were at their worst during the hardest times of my life. Growing up in an abusive household (I ballooned to 185lbs), losing my Best Friend Paul Freshman year (again ballooned to 185lbs), and so on and so forth. 

My biggest concern now is, how much of this is our food, but also how much of this is stress too? I have to wonder if I had not gone through a stressful childhood, would my symptoms be as bad as they are? How different would my life have been? Knowing this information going forward will mean that I will take every care possible to ensure that my stress levels do not get too high. I enjoy yoga and personal development therefore I hope to continue on my journey as far as that's concerned and I hope to continue to practice Radical Acceptance in my every day life to make it easier on my system to process life.

Why Is It Always Me?

I interviewed for probably one of the most fantastic jobs ever today and in typical Lauren fashion, was fifteen minutes late. I even gave myself an extra thirty minutes to get there so I would have time to breath and not be panicked about getting there on time. An hour and fifteen minutes to get there when I only live twenty minutes away in reality. Thankfully the interviewer was kind and understanding, and I am hopefully scheduling a follow up interview. I call it my 'New Girl' moments because these awkward, unfortunate events seem to happen to me frequently.

Then I thought about it and I feel that way about PCOS a lot too, why is it always me? That awkward moment when you're on a date with this really great guy at the drive in and he's holding your hand while watching X-Men: First Class but you can't relax... because your IBS won't let you. So you sit there, sweating, trying too look cool while the grumblings of gas and poopville threaten to ruin the evening. Or you show up to a fabulous interview but you have a giant whitehead on your forehead that rivals the one the guy had in Liar, Liar. 

Thankfully, I've started to look at these incidents with a new set of eyes. Ellen always jokes about life. That's where she gets her material from. Whether it's some guy tripping on the street who starts running to make it look like he's been jogging the whole time or how insert voicemails make us sound like robots because you only have those few seconds to insert your name in the most monotone way. Having PCOS and my embarrassing moments have lead to some of my best material for telling stories.

For instance, I went to a cousins bridal shower this spring and one of the new games is to design a wedding gown out of toilet paper using a real model. Well I was the real model for my group and when you don't feel great about your body, being wrapped up tightly in toilet paper sounds like the worst thing possible. Instead of letting my fears and insecurities consume me like I normally would, I embraced it. I played the role of the blushing bride and our team won! And to top it all off, instead of awkwardly removing myself from the toilet paper, I turned it into a joke. I had no idea how I was going to get it off, other than ripping it off and all I could think of was a stripper. So I walked out into the middle of that room, started singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On," and dancing, and stripped myself out of that toilet paper and had the whole room roaring. 

On any given day, we might not feel like a woman because our mustache is a little bushier than we'd like it to be, or it looks like we have no hair because we've lost so much or your favorite dress can't even make you feel good because you're so bloody bloated but so what! We're the only ones that know this. A lot of this is perception and how we talk to ourselves. We have this disorder and we have to live with it but people won't love you because you are a size two skinny blonde with perky breasts, people are going to love you because you have a big heart, are kind, positive, can laugh at yourself and any horrible situation that may come your way, etc. At the end of the day we are our own biggest bullies. So stop bullying yourselves and try to see the best in you like those who love you do. Laugh at yourself and laugh at life because the hits will keep on coming. They don't just stop because you think you've had enough. If you can't smile through it all, then what's the point? I think Charlotte said it best in Sex and the City regarding being happy in relationships and that she wasn't happy all day every day but every day she was happy in her relationship. You will have your ups and downs to where you're not happy all day every day but every day at the end of it all, try to be happy. 

Believe In Yourself

Many may see losing their job as a curse. Unemployment is probably the most useless system I have ever come across and if I did not have a backup up plan, I literally would be on the streets approximately thirty days from now. I will admit that I have had my moments where upon waiting for fifty minutes to finally get someone, only to have them hurry me off the phone and very casually mention that I would not see benefits for 5-7 weeks, that I was ready to scream into a pillow and break some dishes. Giving up, however, has never been an option...

This year started with a bang. My (at the time) absolutely wonderful boyfriend broke up with me on our anniversary, which just happened to be New Years Day and it was completely out of the blue. Therefore I knew that it was setting the tone for how the year was to go. This bang was then followed by my father (who I haven't had a relationship with in five years) asking if we could reconnect. As my brother is now engaged and I want everything to go perfectly for him and his now fiancee, I agreed to the relationship for cordiality purposes only. Needless to say it has been trying and more despicable stories of how disturbing he truly is have come to light in the process, yet I have held my head high, kept my barbie smile plastered on my face and pretended to be the most loving daughter in the world, because I love my brother.

The cherry on all this has been losing my job. I never loved my job. Were there some wonderfully kind people there? Absolutely. Were there some monsters who used going to church on Sunday as an excuse to be a tyrant the rest of the week? Most certainly. Did it kill the dream I've had since I was 13 to become an amazing Interior Designer because I discovered in the most cruel way possible just how demeaning and stressful the position can be? It absolutely did. I was lost for a little while there and had no idea what I was going to do. I had dreamed of attending the Savannah College of Art and Design in Georgia for a Masters in Furniture Design, but then my mother shot that one down with, "You'll never make a name for yourself and you'll never make good money at it. You will always be a starving artist." I understand she wants the best for me but that just killed it for me. I had these visions of being in London with a huge opening where I had designed small vignettes of what I pictured homes looking like in the future. Whether they were refurbished or new. Everyone was floored by them because they were intelligently planned thinking about utilization of space rather than wasting it as is the practice nowadays in the States. Alas, being the one to carry your beliefs full circle entirely on your own is a very difficult task to accomplish. 

In my family, I think it's almost a joke to them what I do with my PCOS page and with Beachbody but I have to say that I am the most proud of myself for those two accomplishments. They may not amount to much but to me it's something I created from the ground up and something I have no intentions of giving up on anytime soon. The biggest difference for me is that in respect to these large aspects of my life, I have endless support and it does not even come from my blood relatives. It comes from my PCOS and Beachbody family who have saved me in more ways than I can say. They give me positive reinforcement and tell me on a daily basis to BELIEVE. 

I found out the other day that there are a lot of people who are turned off by Beachbody because they have had negative experiences with coaches who aren't necessarily all that great. It's tough to impress upon people your own hopes and dreams for something when all they can hear is, "I just want your money." For me, it's not about that. I struggled for a long time with self esteem, my weight and most of all, believing in myself. I was brought up to have no support for any of integral aspects of my well-being and my former 'wonderful' boyfriend even made me question a lot of this. If I did not have any of this to fall back on this year, I would be broke, fat and depressed. Instead, I have a weekly income saving my buns from homelessness after being laid off, I am now prescription free and feeling better than ever thanks to Shakeology and I'm getting into shape thanks to the intense workouts I do. The best part is, I'm making my own dreams come true in applying myself to all aspects of this.

I recently found a journal of mine and in it, it described my hopes and dreams for the future, from the perspective of high school me. I can't recall what it stated verbatim but the general gist was that I wanted to be happy, helping others, feeling fulfilled by what I was doing and having a comfortable lifestyle. I found this journal not long after being laid off and if that wasn't a sign to point me in this direction, I don't know what is. I get to help others who were and are in as much of a desperate situation, or even worse, than I was with my health. I cry tears of joy almost on a daily basis seeing results from fellow cysters who are attacking Clean eating full force and saving their bodies and themselves for the constant pain and disappointment that is brought upon by PCOS. To say that I love what I do just isn't enough. The warmth that it brings to my heart is more than any love I have yet to know in this life, outside of that my family, both fur and human alike, bring me. 

You may not be at a point to understand what Clean eating or a program like Beachbody can do for your health. All I ask at this point is that you start to work towards healing. Believe that maybe you won't get there today, tomorrow, or next week but that you will get there in the near future and that you will succeed. Believe in yourself and find people to push you to achieve it. I found my beliefs this June in Las Vegas. I will never let my father, my ex or anyone else ever make me question who I am, what I am doing, where I am going or the goodness of my heart. And every day, I wear this bracelet as a reminder to believe in myself and believe that I am helping people and making a difference and the dreams of sixteen year old Lauren will come true if I have faith in myself every day.