This year started with a bang. My (at the time) absolutely wonderful boyfriend broke up with me on our anniversary, which just happened to be New Years Day and it was completely out of the blue. Therefore I knew that it was setting the tone for how the year was to go. This bang was then followed by my father (who I haven't had a relationship with in five years) asking if we could reconnect. As my brother is now engaged and I want everything to go perfectly for him and his now fiancee, I agreed to the relationship for cordiality purposes only. Needless to say it has been trying and more despicable stories of how disturbing he truly is have come to light in the process, yet I have held my head high, kept my barbie smile plastered on my face and pretended to be the most loving daughter in the world, because I love my brother.
The cherry on all this has been losing my job. I never loved my job. Were there some wonderfully kind people there? Absolutely. Were there some monsters who used going to church on Sunday as an excuse to be a tyrant the rest of the week? Most certainly. Did it kill the dream I've had since I was 13 to become an amazing Interior Designer because I discovered in the most cruel way possible just how demeaning and stressful the position can be? It absolutely did. I was lost for a little while there and had no idea what I was going to do. I had dreamed of attending the Savannah College of Art and Design in Georgia for a Masters in Furniture Design, but then my mother shot that one down with, "You'll never make a name for yourself and you'll never make good money at it. You will always be a starving artist." I understand she wants the best for me but that just killed it for me. I had these visions of being in London with a huge opening where I had designed small vignettes of what I pictured homes looking like in the future. Whether they were refurbished or new. Everyone was floored by them because they were intelligently planned thinking about utilization of space rather than wasting it as is the practice nowadays in the States. Alas, being the one to carry your beliefs full circle entirely on your own is a very difficult task to accomplish.
In my family, I think it's almost a joke to them what I do with my PCOS page and with Beachbody but I have to say that I am the most proud of myself for those two accomplishments. They may not amount to much but to me it's something I created from the ground up and something I have no intentions of giving up on anytime soon. The biggest difference for me is that in respect to these large aspects of my life, I have endless support and it does not even come from my blood relatives. It comes from my PCOS and Beachbody family who have saved me in more ways than I can say. They give me positive reinforcement and tell me on a daily basis to BELIEVE.
I found out the other day that there are a lot of people who are turned off by Beachbody because they have had negative experiences with coaches who aren't necessarily all that great. It's tough to impress upon people your own hopes and dreams for something when all they can hear is, "I just want your money." For me, it's not about that. I struggled for a long time with self esteem, my weight and most of all, believing in myself. I was brought up to have no support for any of integral aspects of my well-being and my former 'wonderful' boyfriend even made me question a lot of this. If I did not have any of this to fall back on this year, I would be broke, fat and depressed. Instead, I have a weekly income saving my buns from homelessness after being laid off, I am now prescription free and feeling better than ever thanks to Shakeology and I'm getting into shape thanks to the intense workouts I do. The best part is, I'm making my own dreams come true in applying myself to all aspects of this.
I recently found a journal of mine and in it, it described my hopes and dreams for the future, from the perspective of high school me. I can't recall what it stated verbatim but the general gist was that I wanted to be happy, helping others, feeling fulfilled by what I was doing and having a comfortable lifestyle. I found this journal not long after being laid off and if that wasn't a sign to point me in this direction, I don't know what is. I get to help others who were and are in as much of a desperate situation, or even worse, than I was with my health. I cry tears of joy almost on a daily basis seeing results from fellow cysters who are attacking Clean eating full force and saving their bodies and themselves for the constant pain and disappointment that is brought upon by PCOS. To say that I love what I do just isn't enough. The warmth that it brings to my heart is more than any love I have yet to know in this life, outside of that my family, both fur and human alike, bring me.
You may not be at a point to understand what Clean eating or a program like Beachbody can do for your health. All I ask at this point is that you start to work towards healing. Believe that maybe you won't get there today, tomorrow, or next week but that you will get there in the near future and that you will succeed. Believe in yourself and find people to push you to achieve it. I found my beliefs this June in Las Vegas. I will never let my father, my ex or anyone else ever make me question who I am, what I am doing, where I am going or the goodness of my heart. And every day, I wear this bracelet as a reminder to believe in myself and believe that I am helping people and making a difference and the dreams of sixteen year old Lauren will come true if I have faith in myself every day.
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