Struggling, but Setting Myself Up for a Win

I sometimes like to think that my body doesn't react the way it does and that I'm above the affects that food has on my body in some way. But then my weight or the intense breakout I wake up to the next morning will remind me that I'm not impervious to it all. Stress, as we all know, is not an easy factor to deal with. Like the INSANE cravings for an entire box of chocolates or pizza that comes over me every time I think about my breakup this year. For those of you dealing with far worse, you're probably thinking, oh get over it already but living with a broken heart is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. And that's saying something coming from someone who grew up in an abusive home. When it all boils down to it, I've honestly struggled the last two years. I've been moving in the right direction but I haven't quite found my groove yet. I recently reached out to some fellow Beachbody coaches, and friends, who also seemed to be struggling and oddly enough, the only time any of us had ever truly lost weight and been able to stick to the program, was with weight watchers. Right before Thanksgiving we joined forces and every Sunday, we three weigh in together, have a call and then support one another in both our wins, and losses. In the last two and a half weeks I have lost 5lbs, and guess what, I haven't even been perfect! I've cleansed, I try to drink a shake at least once a day and I have a smoothie at least once a day and I try my best to eat clean, but I'm tracking everything, even the bad stuff. It's helped me to not binge away an entire day but rather just one meal. I must say, the need to binge in general is slowly leaving my system and I'm so thankful for it. For instance, Monday night I had the worst chocolate craving ever and in all honesty, I typically would have run out to CVS and grabbed some chocolate or ice cream, but instead, I had one cup of mint hot cocoa and was more than content with just that little treat. Of course it wasn't Clean eats but with this disorder, you can't win all day every day so we do the best we can and come back fighting the next day. I've been hard on myself in the past but in these last few weeks, if I've had to indulge, I've let myself do it and enjoy every second of it. It helps me to love myself a little more and lets me hate myself a little less and in the end, I find that I'm not craving the bad stuff as much as I usually do. So who knows, maybe part of where our cravings stem from is our own negativity. I couldn't tell you honestly, but all I have to say is, it's making a big difference in my life to be kinder to myself.

Bloating + Edema

On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, my edema has always been about an eight or nine. I've always hated wearing bracelets or watches because I've always felt that it only draws attention to how chubby and kid-like my hands look. Not to mention, at the end of the day, a lot of the time my ankles and feet were so swollen, it was painful to get going again after sitting all day. The worst of it all has always been my stomach. I've never really considered myself to be all that big necessarily but my mid section, from my chest to my hips, has always been the largest part of my body and always swollen looking. 

Since switching to Clean eating, this has all changed. It was my birthday recently and I kind of slipped into the abyss after having cake and chocolates brought to me for my birthday dinner. I decided to start challenging myself staring today (November 4th) by trying to eat Clean, drink more shakes/smoothies and try to stick to a workout regiment. Day one is down and my flanges are looking beautiful. It never seems to go back into my feet anymore unless I've had a LOT of sodium or alcohol, but it always goes right for my stomach and fingers. My stomach isn't great, still pretty 'gurgley' truth be told but my fingers are looking the best they have in some time! 

I always forget how awesome day one feels until I'm there again. My goal is to get to Thanksgiving with a perfect record. We'll see if it happens but I'm very hopeful! This time I not only want to prove something to others, but really myself. I went through a breakup in the last ten months and I always feel that makes you question yourself. What did I do wrong? Am I not attractive enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I rude? Did I push? And so on, and so forth. I think that doubt has been fueling my health decisions for the last ten months and it is time I break away from that. I am out to prove something, prove that I can overcome every doubt that was planted in my head these last two years. Here goes nothing!

PCOS Periods + Clean Eating

I have been on birth control for twelve years now and three months ago decided to take a break. I've always been scared to because my face explodes the moment I come off of it (which it did, but that's my own fault as I have not been eating as Clean as I should) and my periods were never regular (which they now are). Thanks to the healing powers of Clean eating, I had the strength to once again try to come off of birth control. I have been tracking it and every 34 days for the last three months I have had a cycle like clockwork. My energy levels used to be so depleted during it and now they're not. Not to mention my cravings aren't ravenous anymore either. All and all it's a much more pleasurable experience than I remember. I will admit that the cramps were excruciating for an hour here or there but I blame myself for that as I snuck some gluten for my birthday this year. Staring today (Sunday, November 3, 2013) I am making a pact with myself that between now and Thanksgiving, I am going to be absolutely perfect in my clean eating. Starting with Cleansing, today. I'll be tracking my progress and taking pictures as I go so I can share my results. I'm excited to feel even better during my next cycle. Keep on trekking cysters!

Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS

One of my worst symptoms has always been Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I would be somewhere and out of the blue get sweaty, start to have terrible stomach pains and be forced to run to the bathroom and would be there for a good fifteen minutes. It was always horribly painful and I hardly ever saw a solid bowel movement. It certainly didn't help that some of my teachers in middle school, high school and even college were sometimes jerks about my being gone too long. Sometimes it was brought on by certain foods and other times it was brought on by nothing less than stress. In severe scenarios where I was truly anxious and stressed, I would become nauseous and even get sick. I would have terrible spells of it while on dates, dealing with stressful teachers, classes and employers, etc. My stomach was always bloated and in some cases, if I had been sitting for too long, for instance at school or work, my stomach would almost regurgitate gas back into my stomach. Almost like an interior fart and of course it sounds like a fart even though it never actually smells. All in all, a completely embarrassing symptom to deal with beyond belief. Using the toilet in a public place was always horrible. Nervous that you would stink up the whole place on top of letting out the most embarrassing noises while going. Of course my PCOS 'specialists' recommendation was always more prescriptions or over the counter drugs.  

Then a friend suggested reading the book that has really, truly become my saving grace. No magic pills, no crazy diets, just simple 'Clean' eating (the book is called 'Clean' by Dr. Alejandro Junger). I noticed a difference in a WEEK. I wasn't passing gas all the time because dairy seems to be my trigger for that, I wasn't running to the bathroom all the time because I wasn't eating gluten, fried foods, etc. The bloating and edema slowly dissipated and the terrible run ins with diarrhea were replaced by (I know it sounds crazy) but GLORIOUS bowel movements. In and out of the bathroom in minutes, none of this quarter of an hour or more craziness. Now going to the bathroom isn't something I fear. I don't get sweaty any longer, stress isn't a factor and anxiety is a thing of the past. No waking up in the night with terrible stomach pains or being woken up because I HAVE to go to the bathroom. It really has changed my life. I'm not the sweaty chubby kid with the stomach issues any longer. My confidence is no longer shaken at how I present myself.

Keratosis Pelaris

For as long as I can remember, my skin has always been a problem area for me and a source of embarrassment. I have the worst Keratosis Pelaris I have ever seen on anyone and while I never shied away from wearing short sleeve shirts or skirts, I've always been very aware of its visibility to others. I have been eating Clean for the most part for the last two years now and have noticed a miraculous turn around with my KP. I know it's going to sound weird but I shave and exfoliate as much as possible, that combined with removing dairy from my diet has made a huge difference. 

The image on the left is just one spot on the back of my arms now and that's all that's left of the truly red spots. The two images on the right are of the rest of my arms and how they look now. I have actually started to get baby soft skin at the top of my arms near my shoulders and it's slowly been making its way down my arm. My stomach and sides are almost completely free of it now and my legs are improving greatly as well. I honestly never thought that I would see this day.

In other news, I have been exfoliating my neck where the dark skin spots were visible and have noticed a huge decrease in darkness. After one week of challenging myself to eat Clean, track my calories and exercise for an hour, I have lost 5lbs. My goal is to lose another 9lbs before my birthday and after this week, I know I can do it. Things are looking up for my twenty seventh year on the planet!

A Moment of Genuine Freedom

Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment's experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom. 

-Tara Brach in Radical Acceptance

What is freedom to you? In what ways are you neglecting yourself, judging yourself or rejecting opportunities to change your life because you continuously make excuses to not follow through?

 Freedom to me is being able to buy my own house, perhaps work from home full time eventually, become a stay at home fur Momma, find that one person who makes my world stop and to feel comfortable and sexy in my own skin. I sometimes question if this is all possible but deep down I know if I commit to being consistent every single day I will succeed. There may be others in my life that do not believe I can accomplish all this but it does not matter, because I know I can. 

I think a big part of the reason why I do not always believe in myself is because my father always used to tell me I was making excuses, even when I was telling the truth, he would say I was lying or making excuses. I think after hearing it over and over again, you start to believe it, especially at a young age. It began around the time I was five and has been an ever present comment throughout my entire life. Going through formative years hearing this certainly has an impact on someone's habits and psyche. It is hard breaking that mold but again, if I am consistent and believe in myself every single day, I know I can accomplish great things. Including, but not limited to, having the body I have always wanted. I have already overcome a great number of my symptoms thanks to Clean eating, what is one more?

It is raining today and I can really only feel the fatigue on days like today however I will not let it stop me. I plan to eat Clean the remainder of the day and do my double workout. I am down two pounds from Monday and I plan to keep heading in the right direction. Determination + Belief will be the key to my success.

I have come to terms with where my life has been and how it has played out thus far but part of Radical Acceptance is facing that pain and truth and knowing how to change it in the future and that's what I intend to do.

I Feel Pretty

With this disorder, I feel that sometimes we don't always feel as girly as we would like. Thankfully, Pinterest is here to save me from my 'ugly' skin. Everyone says I have gorgeous skin, but honestly without makeup it's quite blotchy and I feel quite hideous without anything on...

www.maskcara.com is a great resource for hair and makeup tips. I used her video on HAC to make my face have that glow that I guess may be the source of the 'you have great skin' compliments I receive. This only took about 10 minutes when all was said and done and I imagine it will take less once I have it down pat. Makeup really can make a world of difference with this disorder and while some girls can get away with not wearing it, it certainly helps me to forget everything else that I see wrong with my body. So today, tomorrow, whenever, turn those negative voices into your head into positive ones and do something to make you feel good about the way you look because despite this disorder, we all have some good bits on us!

On another high note, I removed oatmeal from my diet yesterday and my fingers, toes and stomach are already on their way back to normalcy which is great! I hate having chubby phalanges and belly. I will be 27 in 7 weeks and I'm hoping to be 146lbs by then (a 14lb weight loss). I have signed up for MyFitnessPal (eliaslauren) and plan to track everything I do. Feeling great about everything so far and hoping to continue in a positive direction. Trek on cysters!

Radical Acceptance

When I first started seeing my doctor, she went over my entire medical history with me, including my background. Which at first I did not quite understand, but then she explained. Due to having a traumatic childhood, it caused unnecessary stress on my system and at the pique of the abuse, my symptoms started to show their ugly head. Some think the symptoms start at puberty, however I had begun showing signs of puberty, including getting my period, back in elementary school and my symptoms did not show up until high school. She said that stress was directly related to how the symptoms manifested and that being said it makes perfect sense. All of my symptoms were at their worst during the hardest times of my life. Growing up in an abusive household (I ballooned to 185lbs), losing my Best Friend Paul Freshman year (again ballooned to 185lbs), and so on and so forth. 

My biggest concern now is, how much of this is our food, but also how much of this is stress too? I have to wonder if I had not gone through a stressful childhood, would my symptoms be as bad as they are? How different would my life have been? Knowing this information going forward will mean that I will take every care possible to ensure that my stress levels do not get too high. I enjoy yoga and personal development therefore I hope to continue on my journey as far as that's concerned and I hope to continue to practice Radical Acceptance in my every day life to make it easier on my system to process life.

Why Is It Always Me?

I interviewed for probably one of the most fantastic jobs ever today and in typical Lauren fashion, was fifteen minutes late. I even gave myself an extra thirty minutes to get there so I would have time to breath and not be panicked about getting there on time. An hour and fifteen minutes to get there when I only live twenty minutes away in reality. Thankfully the interviewer was kind and understanding, and I am hopefully scheduling a follow up interview. I call it my 'New Girl' moments because these awkward, unfortunate events seem to happen to me frequently.

Then I thought about it and I feel that way about PCOS a lot too, why is it always me? That awkward moment when you're on a date with this really great guy at the drive in and he's holding your hand while watching X-Men: First Class but you can't relax... because your IBS won't let you. So you sit there, sweating, trying too look cool while the grumblings of gas and poopville threaten to ruin the evening. Or you show up to a fabulous interview but you have a giant whitehead on your forehead that rivals the one the guy had in Liar, Liar. 

Thankfully, I've started to look at these incidents with a new set of eyes. Ellen always jokes about life. That's where she gets her material from. Whether it's some guy tripping on the street who starts running to make it look like he's been jogging the whole time or how insert voicemails make us sound like robots because you only have those few seconds to insert your name in the most monotone way. Having PCOS and my embarrassing moments have lead to some of my best material for telling stories.

For instance, I went to a cousins bridal shower this spring and one of the new games is to design a wedding gown out of toilet paper using a real model. Well I was the real model for my group and when you don't feel great about your body, being wrapped up tightly in toilet paper sounds like the worst thing possible. Instead of letting my fears and insecurities consume me like I normally would, I embraced it. I played the role of the blushing bride and our team won! And to top it all off, instead of awkwardly removing myself from the toilet paper, I turned it into a joke. I had no idea how I was going to get it off, other than ripping it off and all I could think of was a stripper. So I walked out into the middle of that room, started singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On," and dancing, and stripped myself out of that toilet paper and had the whole room roaring. 

On any given day, we might not feel like a woman because our mustache is a little bushier than we'd like it to be, or it looks like we have no hair because we've lost so much or your favorite dress can't even make you feel good because you're so bloody bloated but so what! We're the only ones that know this. A lot of this is perception and how we talk to ourselves. We have this disorder and we have to live with it but people won't love you because you are a size two skinny blonde with perky breasts, people are going to love you because you have a big heart, are kind, positive, can laugh at yourself and any horrible situation that may come your way, etc. At the end of the day we are our own biggest bullies. So stop bullying yourselves and try to see the best in you like those who love you do. Laugh at yourself and laugh at life because the hits will keep on coming. They don't just stop because you think you've had enough. If you can't smile through it all, then what's the point? I think Charlotte said it best in Sex and the City regarding being happy in relationships and that she wasn't happy all day every day but every day she was happy in her relationship. You will have your ups and downs to where you're not happy all day every day but every day at the end of it all, try to be happy. 

Believe In Yourself

Many may see losing their job as a curse. Unemployment is probably the most useless system I have ever come across and if I did not have a backup up plan, I literally would be on the streets approximately thirty days from now. I will admit that I have had my moments where upon waiting for fifty minutes to finally get someone, only to have them hurry me off the phone and very casually mention that I would not see benefits for 5-7 weeks, that I was ready to scream into a pillow and break some dishes. Giving up, however, has never been an option...

This year started with a bang. My (at the time) absolutely wonderful boyfriend broke up with me on our anniversary, which just happened to be New Years Day and it was completely out of the blue. Therefore I knew that it was setting the tone for how the year was to go. This bang was then followed by my father (who I haven't had a relationship with in five years) asking if we could reconnect. As my brother is now engaged and I want everything to go perfectly for him and his now fiancee, I agreed to the relationship for cordiality purposes only. Needless to say it has been trying and more despicable stories of how disturbing he truly is have come to light in the process, yet I have held my head high, kept my barbie smile plastered on my face and pretended to be the most loving daughter in the world, because I love my brother.

The cherry on all this has been losing my job. I never loved my job. Were there some wonderfully kind people there? Absolutely. Were there some monsters who used going to church on Sunday as an excuse to be a tyrant the rest of the week? Most certainly. Did it kill the dream I've had since I was 13 to become an amazing Interior Designer because I discovered in the most cruel way possible just how demeaning and stressful the position can be? It absolutely did. I was lost for a little while there and had no idea what I was going to do. I had dreamed of attending the Savannah College of Art and Design in Georgia for a Masters in Furniture Design, but then my mother shot that one down with, "You'll never make a name for yourself and you'll never make good money at it. You will always be a starving artist." I understand she wants the best for me but that just killed it for me. I had these visions of being in London with a huge opening where I had designed small vignettes of what I pictured homes looking like in the future. Whether they were refurbished or new. Everyone was floored by them because they were intelligently planned thinking about utilization of space rather than wasting it as is the practice nowadays in the States. Alas, being the one to carry your beliefs full circle entirely on your own is a very difficult task to accomplish. 

In my family, I think it's almost a joke to them what I do with my PCOS page and with Beachbody but I have to say that I am the most proud of myself for those two accomplishments. They may not amount to much but to me it's something I created from the ground up and something I have no intentions of giving up on anytime soon. The biggest difference for me is that in respect to these large aspects of my life, I have endless support and it does not even come from my blood relatives. It comes from my PCOS and Beachbody family who have saved me in more ways than I can say. They give me positive reinforcement and tell me on a daily basis to BELIEVE. 

I found out the other day that there are a lot of people who are turned off by Beachbody because they have had negative experiences with coaches who aren't necessarily all that great. It's tough to impress upon people your own hopes and dreams for something when all they can hear is, "I just want your money." For me, it's not about that. I struggled for a long time with self esteem, my weight and most of all, believing in myself. I was brought up to have no support for any of integral aspects of my well-being and my former 'wonderful' boyfriend even made me question a lot of this. If I did not have any of this to fall back on this year, I would be broke, fat and depressed. Instead, I have a weekly income saving my buns from homelessness after being laid off, I am now prescription free and feeling better than ever thanks to Shakeology and I'm getting into shape thanks to the intense workouts I do. The best part is, I'm making my own dreams come true in applying myself to all aspects of this.

I recently found a journal of mine and in it, it described my hopes and dreams for the future, from the perspective of high school me. I can't recall what it stated verbatim but the general gist was that I wanted to be happy, helping others, feeling fulfilled by what I was doing and having a comfortable lifestyle. I found this journal not long after being laid off and if that wasn't a sign to point me in this direction, I don't know what is. I get to help others who were and are in as much of a desperate situation, or even worse, than I was with my health. I cry tears of joy almost on a daily basis seeing results from fellow cysters who are attacking Clean eating full force and saving their bodies and themselves for the constant pain and disappointment that is brought upon by PCOS. To say that I love what I do just isn't enough. The warmth that it brings to my heart is more than any love I have yet to know in this life, outside of that my family, both fur and human alike, bring me. 

You may not be at a point to understand what Clean eating or a program like Beachbody can do for your health. All I ask at this point is that you start to work towards healing. Believe that maybe you won't get there today, tomorrow, or next week but that you will get there in the near future and that you will succeed. Believe in yourself and find people to push you to achieve it. I found my beliefs this June in Las Vegas. I will never let my father, my ex or anyone else ever make me question who I am, what I am doing, where I am going or the goodness of my heart. And every day, I wear this bracelet as a reminder to believe in myself and believe that I am helping people and making a difference and the dreams of sixteen year old Lauren will come true if I have faith in myself every day.

Week 6 of My New Workout Program

I can't believe that this is how far I have come in just five weeks. This is crazy to me. I did a 21 day cleanse that removes all toxins from your body and got the same results but it wasn't permanent. As of right now I am only 6lbs down from my 'stuck' weight. However my measurements are almost on point to where they were with the cleanse, which means this is a healthier, lasting result I can count on. I will only go forward from here as I started a more intense version of the program I've been doing this morning. I honestly don't care that I weigh 154lbs right now because I have NEVER looked this good and it seriously makes me want to cry tears of joy every day I look in the mirror. You should definitely focus on inches vs weight because if I was just focusing on weight right now, I would be in a very bad place mentally. Take pictures and keep track of your inches. I was literally laughing out loud as I was reading the measuring tape this morning. This wasn't easy ladies. This is the hardest I have ever worked for my PCOS but it is absolutely worth it. If I can look this good after just five weeks, you bet your buns I'm saying, "bon voyage," to anything processed. Nothing tastes as good as looking sexy feels. At first I kept saying this to myself to keep me motivated but now that I take my measurements and pictures once a week to keep track of my progress, I don't have to remind myself to eat healthy because it's becoming a good habit already. No reminders needed.

Stay strong ladies and find what works for you. There's absolutely no reason why you can't have pictures like these too.

I Want to Change the Face of PCOS

When I was a freshman in college (2005), I went to the campus infirmary for tonsillitis and in talking with the nurse practitioner and getting on the subject of PCOS, she pointed me in the direction of the office where she did her residency, which was an endocrinology unit at one of the best hospitals in the United States, Mass General Hospital. This doctor ended up being a specialist in Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom and at first I thought she was amazing. However as time went on she put me on more prescriptions, and as time went on, the symptoms got worse, which meant even more prescriptions. At one point I was on four different prescription medications and taking as many as 10 pills a day. Finally, in the fall of 2011, a friend recommended 'Clean' by Dr. Alejandro Junger and it saved my life the moment I started reading it. The light bulb finally turned on. Someone had FINALLY realized the connection between what we eat, and what it does to our bodies. Everything he was explaining made perfect sense for why my body was behaving the way it was. See, your stomach holds the key to your health and your immune system is directly affected by what goes into it. The processed foods we consume (gluten, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, sugar, soda) get absorbed into our system and attack our immune system which is why we get sick, or get cysts, or cannot have babies. I immediately plunged into any research I could get my hands on and finally found a link on the Clean program's website that lead you to doctors who believed in actually diagnosing the problem and not just sticking you on more medication to cover up the issue. I switched to a Functional medicine doctor about a year ago now and I am losing weight, I am getting a six pack and best of all I am now completely prescription free. 

My journey has lead me to one belief and one belief only, doctors know nothing about this disorder. They stopped diagnosing a long time ago and fed into the miracle of prescriptions just as much as the rest of us did. We trust them because they have degrees and save lives, but are they really saving everyone's? I am making it my mission to hopefully save lives of women with PCOS and improve their quality of life by bringing the knowledge of Clean eating to anyone I can. I don't want the face of PCOS to be some poor soul who hates herself and the way she looks. I want it to be some gorgeous women who shines from the inside out, who is happy and healthy! I don't think we realize that women with PCOS suffer from MULTIPLE symptoms while other people just suffer from one here or there. If we were able to change the lives of women with PCOS, we could probably solve the riddles for a lot of other health problems as well. Why no one has figured this out yet, except for Dr. Junger and a few others of course, I have no freaking clue.

I may not be a doctor, but I certainly plan to educate myself on nutrition and wellness and one day get my masters so that people will trust me when I say that this is the answer.I hope that you will one day be able to receive the healing power of Clean eating as well. Be well my cysters, x.

Day 9 Of Eating Clean

Still feeling good and am down 6lbs from last week. 

Today though, I have too much on my mind to focus on PCOS. Sometimes life happens and that takes precedence. Also, my eating clean and exercising every day is my focus, not how my PCOS brings me down. 

A lot has happened in the last week. I moved into a new place (YAY), got let go from my job (YAY/NAY) and found out my Dad's best friend died last night (BIG NAY). My new place is heaven. The light is unbelievable, it was recently refurbished and has all new appliances so it's very cute, the area is darling and it feels like home. For the first time in a long time, I really feel like I found somewhere that matches my soul. We sit up on a hill and are on the third floor. I haven't had to use the air conditioning once since moving in and I love it. The breeze is fabulous, the sunrise and sunsets have been spectacular and the best part is that we have a view of just hills, trees and sometimes Boston. I may never want to leave. 

As for my job, it was not the best place to work. They let me go for mistakes that I feel a lot of people would have made. Things were not made clear, they were not given to me in the proper format and they jumped me from servicing 2 people to servicing 10 in a very short period of time. I also got blamed for someone else's mistake. It was a lot to handle and they had promised me a promotion once they hired someone to take my place but instead they hired other people and pushed me out. I'm glad to be gone though. I'm ready to move on to a company who will recognize an employees talent and place them in a position to succeed. It's been a long time coming leaving that place, whether it was by choice or not, so I'm very happy, surprisingly, for someone who just lost their job. There are some hopefuls on the horizon and I don't plan to be out of a position for much longer.

As far as Charlie is concerned, my father's best friend, I am devastated. I haven't seen him in a while but he always loved me like I was his own. When everything went south in my family, he was one of very few people who were on my "Dad's" side who wasn't ignorant to what had taken place my whole life. When he found out that I had cut off contact with my father, he was so proud of me. Every time I saw him he would ask, "Are you still not speaking with your father?" and I would reply, "No sir, I am still not speaking with him," and he would simply reply, "GOOD." The fact that someone so close to my Dad was big enough to realize just what was going on meant so much to me, especially since many of my own family members have excluded me from family events purely because my relationship is strained with my father. How I got pushed to the outside when I had no control over what happened when I was younger, I don't know. All I know is that one of the last people I ever expected to give me love and support was one of the first. I'll never forget his bright rosy cheeks, the light in his eyes and his booming voice (booming mostly because he was deaf from being an infantry instructor in the army). 

Though it's been a tough week, it does not mean I'll let it get me down. Life happens. It is not an excuse to fall off the wagon or lose sight of your dreams. I will not lose sight of my hopes and wishes for my future.

Day 4 of Clean Eating

I know I am NOT supposed to weigh myself every day but I did again this morning and I thankfully saw a loss. I am down one and a half pounds thankfully. I think my progress may be slower than I am used to being off of Metformin but I know it is better for my body therefore I have no problem with the speed, just a bit anxious haha. I notice when I was showering this morning that my hair did not fall out nearly as much as it had been therefore it is great that it did not take too long for my body to start feeling better. My fingers are really starting to look good again which I love, not to mention I woke up this morning and could really see abs for the first time thanks to my workouts. This is something I have never had and if I am only two and a half weeks in and this is what I am seeing, I cannot wait to see week eights results. 

Life has been intense lately. New situations and past events have come to light in my family and it has been very hard accepting them. Also, my current job is unbelievably stressful and I am really beginning to not enjoy it, not to mention I am moving on top of all this. Despite the fact that I have a lot going on, the best thing I have been able to do for myself is NOT eat my feelings and workout which produces endorphin's. I also have to say that eating every two hours is also making a difference. I'm a big snack-er and crave things very easily therefore this keeps my hunger pains and desperation at bay so I do not eat the wrong things. This is the first time I've done clean eating where I eat every two hours and it is making a monumental difference and I truly feel that I will not have any issue sticking to the plan this time around if it continues to be this easy.

Day 3 of Resuming Clean Eating:

Feeling good so far. The biggest annoyance was that my fingers were terribly swollen however I haven't consumed gluten since Sunday and I'm feeling much better, which includes the TERRIBLE heartburn going away. I hopped on the scale this morning and it said 159lbs which kind of scared me at first however I have been working out consistently for three weeks on T25 now in conjunction with a squat challenge therefore I think I gained 4lbs of muscle which I'm not against. My stomach is getting flatter and my face and skin look better and that's really all I care about. I've been pretty dedicated with the workout regiment. I've even taken to doing 100 squats every time I go to the bathroom at work, haha. 

Thankfully the biggest change is that it feels different this time around. Before I felt as if I was doing it as if to prove something to someone and now I feel like I'm just doing it for me and that's the most important part of this whole process. I have my body on a schedule now and it's responding quite well to it. The biggest downfall for me is that I'm a snack-er and thankfully I'm on the regiment where I pretty much eat something every two hours which is great. I have green tea and blueberries every day therefore I'm getting plenty of antioxidants. 

I'm noticing slow but great changes in my body thanks to drinking my shakes. My hair is growing faster than it ever has and I have to say as someone who is trying to grow out their hair, it's FABULOUS. Another big thing is that I used to get MONSTER volcanic eruptions happening on my face and I haven't had them in quite some time. Finally feeling normal, which clearly brings the weird out in me more, oh well! You win some, you lose some, haha.