Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS

One of my worst symptoms has always been Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I would be somewhere and out of the blue get sweaty, start to have terrible stomach pains and be forced to run to the bathroom and would be there for a good fifteen minutes. It was always horribly painful and I hardly ever saw a solid bowel movement. It certainly didn't help that some of my teachers in middle school, high school and even college were sometimes jerks about my being gone too long. Sometimes it was brought on by certain foods and other times it was brought on by nothing less than stress. In severe scenarios where I was truly anxious and stressed, I would become nauseous and even get sick. I would have terrible spells of it while on dates, dealing with stressful teachers, classes and employers, etc. My stomach was always bloated and in some cases, if I had been sitting for too long, for instance at school or work, my stomach would almost regurgitate gas back into my stomach. Almost like an interior fart and of course it sounds like a fart even though it never actually smells. All in all, a completely embarrassing symptom to deal with beyond belief. Using the toilet in a public place was always horrible. Nervous that you would stink up the whole place on top of letting out the most embarrassing noises while going. Of course my PCOS 'specialists' recommendation was always more prescriptions or over the counter drugs.  

Then a friend suggested reading the book that has really, truly become my saving grace. No magic pills, no crazy diets, just simple 'Clean' eating (the book is called 'Clean' by Dr. Alejandro Junger). I noticed a difference in a WEEK. I wasn't passing gas all the time because dairy seems to be my trigger for that, I wasn't running to the bathroom all the time because I wasn't eating gluten, fried foods, etc. The bloating and edema slowly dissipated and the terrible run ins with diarrhea were replaced by (I know it sounds crazy) but GLORIOUS bowel movements. In and out of the bathroom in minutes, none of this quarter of an hour or more craziness. Now going to the bathroom isn't something I fear. I don't get sweaty any longer, stress isn't a factor and anxiety is a thing of the past. No waking up in the night with terrible stomach pains or being woken up because I HAVE to go to the bathroom. It really has changed my life. I'm not the sweaty chubby kid with the stomach issues any longer. My confidence is no longer shaken at how I present myself.

Keratosis Pelaris

For as long as I can remember, my skin has always been a problem area for me and a source of embarrassment. I have the worst Keratosis Pelaris I have ever seen on anyone and while I never shied away from wearing short sleeve shirts or skirts, I've always been very aware of its visibility to others. I have been eating Clean for the most part for the last two years now and have noticed a miraculous turn around with my KP. I know it's going to sound weird but I shave and exfoliate as much as possible, that combined with removing dairy from my diet has made a huge difference. 

The image on the left is just one spot on the back of my arms now and that's all that's left of the truly red spots. The two images on the right are of the rest of my arms and how they look now. I have actually started to get baby soft skin at the top of my arms near my shoulders and it's slowly been making its way down my arm. My stomach and sides are almost completely free of it now and my legs are improving greatly as well. I honestly never thought that I would see this day.

In other news, I have been exfoliating my neck where the dark skin spots were visible and have noticed a huge decrease in darkness. After one week of challenging myself to eat Clean, track my calories and exercise for an hour, I have lost 5lbs. My goal is to lose another 9lbs before my birthday and after this week, I know I can do it. Things are looking up for my twenty seventh year on the planet!

A Moment of Genuine Freedom

Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment's experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom. 

-Tara Brach in Radical Acceptance

What is freedom to you? In what ways are you neglecting yourself, judging yourself or rejecting opportunities to change your life because you continuously make excuses to not follow through?

 Freedom to me is being able to buy my own house, perhaps work from home full time eventually, become a stay at home fur Momma, find that one person who makes my world stop and to feel comfortable and sexy in my own skin. I sometimes question if this is all possible but deep down I know if I commit to being consistent every single day I will succeed. There may be others in my life that do not believe I can accomplish all this but it does not matter, because I know I can. 

I think a big part of the reason why I do not always believe in myself is because my father always used to tell me I was making excuses, even when I was telling the truth, he would say I was lying or making excuses. I think after hearing it over and over again, you start to believe it, especially at a young age. It began around the time I was five and has been an ever present comment throughout my entire life. Going through formative years hearing this certainly has an impact on someone's habits and psyche. It is hard breaking that mold but again, if I am consistent and believe in myself every single day, I know I can accomplish great things. Including, but not limited to, having the body I have always wanted. I have already overcome a great number of my symptoms thanks to Clean eating, what is one more?

It is raining today and I can really only feel the fatigue on days like today however I will not let it stop me. I plan to eat Clean the remainder of the day and do my double workout. I am down two pounds from Monday and I plan to keep heading in the right direction. Determination + Belief will be the key to my success.

I have come to terms with where my life has been and how it has played out thus far but part of Radical Acceptance is facing that pain and truth and knowing how to change it in the future and that's what I intend to do.

I Feel Pretty

With this disorder, I feel that sometimes we don't always feel as girly as we would like. Thankfully, Pinterest is here to save me from my 'ugly' skin. Everyone says I have gorgeous skin, but honestly without makeup it's quite blotchy and I feel quite hideous without anything on...

www.maskcara.com is a great resource for hair and makeup tips. I used her video on HAC to make my face have that glow that I guess may be the source of the 'you have great skin' compliments I receive. This only took about 10 minutes when all was said and done and I imagine it will take less once I have it down pat. Makeup really can make a world of difference with this disorder and while some girls can get away with not wearing it, it certainly helps me to forget everything else that I see wrong with my body. So today, tomorrow, whenever, turn those negative voices into your head into positive ones and do something to make you feel good about the way you look because despite this disorder, we all have some good bits on us!

On another high note, I removed oatmeal from my diet yesterday and my fingers, toes and stomach are already on their way back to normalcy which is great! I hate having chubby phalanges and belly. I will be 27 in 7 weeks and I'm hoping to be 146lbs by then (a 14lb weight loss). I have signed up for MyFitnessPal (eliaslauren) and plan to track everything I do. Feeling great about everything so far and hoping to continue in a positive direction. Trek on cysters!

Radical Acceptance

When I first started seeing my doctor, she went over my entire medical history with me, including my background. Which at first I did not quite understand, but then she explained. Due to having a traumatic childhood, it caused unnecessary stress on my system and at the pique of the abuse, my symptoms started to show their ugly head. Some think the symptoms start at puberty, however I had begun showing signs of puberty, including getting my period, back in elementary school and my symptoms did not show up until high school. She said that stress was directly related to how the symptoms manifested and that being said it makes perfect sense. All of my symptoms were at their worst during the hardest times of my life. Growing up in an abusive household (I ballooned to 185lbs), losing my Best Friend Paul Freshman year (again ballooned to 185lbs), and so on and so forth. 

My biggest concern now is, how much of this is our food, but also how much of this is stress too? I have to wonder if I had not gone through a stressful childhood, would my symptoms be as bad as they are? How different would my life have been? Knowing this information going forward will mean that I will take every care possible to ensure that my stress levels do not get too high. I enjoy yoga and personal development therefore I hope to continue on my journey as far as that's concerned and I hope to continue to practice Radical Acceptance in my every day life to make it easier on my system to process life.

Why Is It Always Me?

I interviewed for probably one of the most fantastic jobs ever today and in typical Lauren fashion, was fifteen minutes late. I even gave myself an extra thirty minutes to get there so I would have time to breath and not be panicked about getting there on time. An hour and fifteen minutes to get there when I only live twenty minutes away in reality. Thankfully the interviewer was kind and understanding, and I am hopefully scheduling a follow up interview. I call it my 'New Girl' moments because these awkward, unfortunate events seem to happen to me frequently.

Then I thought about it and I feel that way about PCOS a lot too, why is it always me? That awkward moment when you're on a date with this really great guy at the drive in and he's holding your hand while watching X-Men: First Class but you can't relax... because your IBS won't let you. So you sit there, sweating, trying too look cool while the grumblings of gas and poopville threaten to ruin the evening. Or you show up to a fabulous interview but you have a giant whitehead on your forehead that rivals the one the guy had in Liar, Liar. 

Thankfully, I've started to look at these incidents with a new set of eyes. Ellen always jokes about life. That's where she gets her material from. Whether it's some guy tripping on the street who starts running to make it look like he's been jogging the whole time or how insert voicemails make us sound like robots because you only have those few seconds to insert your name in the most monotone way. Having PCOS and my embarrassing moments have lead to some of my best material for telling stories.

For instance, I went to a cousins bridal shower this spring and one of the new games is to design a wedding gown out of toilet paper using a real model. Well I was the real model for my group and when you don't feel great about your body, being wrapped up tightly in toilet paper sounds like the worst thing possible. Instead of letting my fears and insecurities consume me like I normally would, I embraced it. I played the role of the blushing bride and our team won! And to top it all off, instead of awkwardly removing myself from the toilet paper, I turned it into a joke. I had no idea how I was going to get it off, other than ripping it off and all I could think of was a stripper. So I walked out into the middle of that room, started singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On," and dancing, and stripped myself out of that toilet paper and had the whole room roaring. 

On any given day, we might not feel like a woman because our mustache is a little bushier than we'd like it to be, or it looks like we have no hair because we've lost so much or your favorite dress can't even make you feel good because you're so bloody bloated but so what! We're the only ones that know this. A lot of this is perception and how we talk to ourselves. We have this disorder and we have to live with it but people won't love you because you are a size two skinny blonde with perky breasts, people are going to love you because you have a big heart, are kind, positive, can laugh at yourself and any horrible situation that may come your way, etc. At the end of the day we are our own biggest bullies. So stop bullying yourselves and try to see the best in you like those who love you do. Laugh at yourself and laugh at life because the hits will keep on coming. They don't just stop because you think you've had enough. If you can't smile through it all, then what's the point? I think Charlotte said it best in Sex and the City regarding being happy in relationships and that she wasn't happy all day every day but every day she was happy in her relationship. You will have your ups and downs to where you're not happy all day every day but every day at the end of it all, try to be happy.