Bad Days

You know it's been a bad day when you decide to shove EIGHT Ghiradelli squares in your pie hole...

The day started when I decided to call a local radio show on Kiss 108 called Matty in the Morning. They have a segment called 'Right Now' and listeners can call in and tell them something that's going on in their life. I've always wanted to call in but you have to have something good right? And me being who I am, of course it had to be a good story full of hearty laughter, therefore I decided to tell the tales of my Mother's boyfriend who when he is in front of my brother and I, becomes nervous and decides to tell inappropriate sexual jokes. They of course got a big kick out of it and it made my day, initially. After ending the phone call, I realized, what if someone I knew was listening to this right now? Then I thought, wait a second, why did I do this in the first place?

I keep getting to a point with this whole situation where, I think I'm fine and I'm happy and have seemed to move on and then maybe a month or so later my feelings will show their ugly head. There are a million reasons and one that this situation bothers me and is making me crazy but I'll try to just stick to the important ones and why I think I felt pushed to retaliate on a radio show...

Growing up in an abusive home where you have a special relationship with the one parent that is nice and normal, I think your relationship becomes that much stronger. My Mom WAS my best friend in this world up until February of this year. Even when I began to date my boyfriend, I made sure that I made time for her and would go and sleep over every Sunday night and have dinner and a movie date with her and head to work the next Morning. And then she started dating Dennis...

The sleepovers stopped and suddenly this person I didn't recognize had taken over my mothers body. The woman who if she had been in her proper state of mind would have realized that both of her children were blissfully happy because they had found the people they were going to spend the rest of their lives with. Upon realizing this, she would want to be a part of it as much as possible, but instead she became distant. Taking to 'forgetting' to tell her children she would not be available for Mother's Day, the first Mother's Day that both my brother and I had been home for in 10 years. Which after finding out where she was going, discovered she was spending the weekend in NYC with her boyfriend and ended up having brunch with him and HIS two daughters, who brought her a dozen red roses for mothers day. She had also taken to ditching us for her new boyfriend because he was offering her 'better plans'. The two most important people in her life quickly became the last two things she could possibly be bothered with. The sad thing is within the next year or two, we both have plans to vacate the New England area for locations that are at least nine states away and I don't think it will hit her what has taken place until it is too late.

It's funny, because of the way things were growing up, it was very hard for all of us to wash away the anger that had come with living such lives for a minimum of 21 years. We had just gotten to a point about a year ago now, where the three of us were a happy little family finally and didn't have a care in the world. All we would do was tease and laugh when we were together but now there is so much resentment in the relationship it almost hurts to be together. She doesn't see it, but I know my brother and I both feel it. He's never complained about anything to me before and he's complained now on several occasions. It breaks my heart to see her push him to that point. That's how I know the hurt runs very deep. I haven't been this angry about anything in five years, which was the last time I had to deal with my father. We don't speak anymore and for good reason. It's sad, but a lot of things that she is doing now are things that pushed me to stop talking to my father in the first place. For example, not taking the time on his end to make sure I was okay and do things with me even though I was doing it on my end and later denying it ever took place as such to begin with. Which is exactly what she has been doing, not to mention making excuses for why she hasn't done it.

How a family of such wonderful people has become so screwed up, I don't know, but it's pushing me to my angry place and I certainly don't like it. I've brought the subject up with her on multiple occasions but she just makes me feel awful and that I'm being ridiculous and gives excuses for her behavior. Then I have to remind myself that my brother and I'm pretty sure her sister, think she has love tunnel vision a bit too much.

One of these days, I really hope we get back to being the duo that makes each other wet their pants...

Hello Again

It's been some time since I shared my thoughts on here. A lot has been going on with my love life, work, family, health, etc. The biggest stress in my life right now stem from my Mom, work and potentially going back to school, which haven't been very good for focusing on my health. The issue with my Mom is that she's dating someone that I can't stand. He rubs me the wrong way and unfortunately for her, my gut has never been wrong when it comes to something like this. Not to mention her sister and my brother could care less for him as well and we're the three most important people in her life, that's a big red flag in my mind but she doesn't seem to care. Her world has always revolved around her family and now she has taken to ditching us for him. Even when we can get her to come to something, she still brings him, even if we requested that she not. It's very hard to visit with her when her attentions are so wrapped around him. They can't move 10 steps without the other, it's extremely annoying. Even my brother has talked about how it's bothering him and he NEVER says a peep about these kinds of things, which tells me this is actually upsetting him, which adds to my stress to be sure. I've talked to her about it but she just doesn't seem to understand and I've already lost my patience with her on several occasions. I'm sure she's told him that I've fought with her about these issues on multiple occasions now and it bothers me that for such 'a caring person' (according to her) that he doesn't seem too worried that he's causing mine and my mothers relationship to be strained. We are as close as a mother and daughter could possibly be and used to see each other almost on a weekly basis and I've probably seen her 10 times since February.


Work is so unbelievably mismanaged that our corporate office has started to come to me for assistance because they know I'll take care of it due to the fact that anyone who is above me is useless in our office, which is pretty much everyone. I'm supposed to begin taking some prerequisites in the fall for school however no one from the program has been very good about getting back to me, therefore it's been a bit stressful.


As far as my health is concerned, I've started having Ideal Shape Shakes in the morning. The idea behind them is that they provide a full daily serving of fruit and you get all your vitamins and nutrients from one shake. I'm still only having 1 solid meal a day, therefore I will continue to have smoothies for dinner. I have been working out anywhere between 5-6 days a week for the past couple of weeks now, so hopefully I'll start to see a change in my body. I have a wedding in October that I'm going to with my boyfriend and I really want to look good by then, so we shall see!

Some YAYs and some nays...

I do not have a scale at my aunts house where I am currently living and therefore I have not been able to track my progress, however I was home over the weekend and used my Mom's scale and discovered that in 10 days I had lost 4lbs. It has now been 13 days and I'm feeling pretty good. My arms are continuing to improve, once there's a noticeable difference via camera I'll post a picture. My hair loss seems to be diminishing and I finally figured out what has been triggering my IBS symptoms. I accidentally ate a processed food Sunday night, a hot dog, and I am still sick at 10am on Tuesday morning (the Nay part of this). Unfortunately it seems that the toxins in processed foods really do stick with us and I have felt a little sluggish today and yesterday therefore it appears that the foods we think are relatively okay, like a hot dog, really are not. Thankfully I've figured out that processed foods are definitely something I need to stay away from. I'll be interested to see what gluten free cookies with raw sugar taste like, hopefully good so I can at least have a treat here and there once this is over. For the time being I am having eggs although I'm really not supposed to. I'm sticking to it cooked because there's a gluten free bakery near my house and they have YUMMY pumpkin bread, my one yummy food I get to "sneak" but feel fine eating. I purchased some gluten free pizza dough and I'm excited to try making an interesting pizza with maybe some toasted nuts, squash and my dairy/gluten free butter with maybe some cinnemon and sage or something. It'll be another nice little treat. I'm already beginning to prepare material on the Clean program so that when I'm finished with the book (only 30 or so pages to go) I can just prepare everything I need and go. I'm planning on buying some incense and tracking down my yoga video, therefore I'll start doing yoga in the morning. I'll be able to turn up the heat in my room pretty high since it has it's own heating system separate from the rest of the house and be able to do my own version of bikram yoga and sweat and exercise like the book recommends, burn some incense, do my five minutes of meditation prior to doing yoga and start my day out the right way. I'll be excited to see how my body changes since my bloating seems to already be diminishing. Once I've lost a noticeable amount of weight I'll also post before and after pictures as well. As always I have to thank my best friend for potentially saving my life because I really think this is the answers to my symptoms. If I can grow back my gorgeous thick hair, have nice skin and be at my natural weight, this will all be worth it 10,000x's over!

Clean

I have to say I am absolutely in love with this book I'm reading called 'Clean' by Alejandro Junger M.D. In the past I've found it obnoxiously difficult to get excited about eating healthy, especially since to eat poorly serviced my cravings caused by the toxins in my body as well as the low blood sugar, which I'm sure has something to do with the toxins as well. I have been eating healthy for 6 days now and I feel amazing. Thankfully the book has made me so disgusted with the way Americans eat, I can't look at my old favorites the same way anymore. Even on the train yesterday when somebody had a big bag of McDonalds, usually my cravings would run mad with just the scent and I'd immediately become hungry, however with my new outlook, I actually felt sick to my stomach just catching a whiff of it. I am currently eating gluten free, dairy free products with no processed sugar, caffeine or alcohol. I already have more energy, my face has already slimmed down, my keratosis pelaris seems to be disappearing and my edema and bloating seems to have calmed down quite a bit. My fat rolls aren't nearly as bad when I sit, YAY! My vertigo seems to be dissipating which is HEAVEN and I haven't had any issues with low blood sugar despite the fact that I'm eating marginally less. My life no longer revolves around my food and what my cravings are telling me to go after next. This seems like something that will stick and I don't think I'll ever go back to how I used to eat, thankfully. The gluten free products aren't as horrible as I thought they'd be and almond milk is better than regular milk, something I never thought I'd say. Now as the dairy queen of the Northeast I thought I'd die without cheese but I have to say, now that my cravings seem to be washed from my body, I don't miss it. I'm actually looking forward to eating my roasted potatoes, beets and squash for lunch. Had it for dinner last night and it was YUMMY. I also thought I'd die without caffeine but I've found myself quite productive without it. It's amazing that I'm feeling this good already and I haven't even started the clean officially. These are just guidelines their support program in New York suggested to me. For all my PCOS ladies, I highly recommend this already and I'm not even close to being finished with it!

A Cheery Holiday Season Update

This 'Clean' program may just change my life and I'm very excited about it. Thankfully just in reading the book and being made aware of just how toxic the American diet is, I've already started to take measures to reverse my eating habits via the help of the people at Clean. I'm only a day and a half in but I can already see a difference. The edema that I tend to notice mostly in my stomach and hands seems to be disappating. Not that anyone really needs to know the following detail but my urine is almost clear almost every time I go to the bathroom which means my liver isn't processing toxins. I'm hoping to incorporate the garlic pills and one tablespoon of cold pressed olive oil a day over the weekend. In the past with most diets, I just have trouble sticking to them because who wants to give up all that yummy food? Certainly not me. After reading this book though and realizing how much of the food we in the USA eat is actually not supposed to enter our bodies because we were never meant to ingest such things is disturbing. Reading about what these toxins do to our bodies and what they cause is making me never want a french fry ever again. I think more than anything I'm just looking forward to losing that last stubborn 15-20 pounds that apparently the toxins won't let me lose as well as having a baby face no more! I want to look young and beautiful but I'd actually like to look 25 and not 17, I know, strange but it annoys me when I get carded at a rated R movie sometimes still. I suppose on top of all that, I'm looking forward to being rid of my symptoms forever. To have asthma, keratosis pelaris and alopecia be a thing of a past would be such an amazing thing, it's hard to imagine such a life...

Before, Current Progress, and A Cleanse

This is me at my heaviest. I was a freshman in college celebrating my brothers graduation. My best friend had just died one month before and I decided to eat my feelings. At the time I weighed 185lbs, the heaviest I've ever weighed and I have the stretch marks to prove it. I'm not proud of it, but it certainly keeps me motivated to never get there again.

Thanks to a good friend of mine I recently came across 'The Clean' by Alejandro Junger M.D. I'm not very far into just yet, just the introduction and two pages further than that but I'm already excited to attempt this cleanse. It claims right in the introduction that it helps with Autoimmune disorders, insomnia, breathing, etc, which is fantastic for PCOS because it's all Autoimmune related. If this cleanse is as good as it claims to be, I could be turning my life around in just three weeks and if not all problems, hopefully most will be helped by this.

I have been better about working out for the last week and I plan on starting this cleanse after Thanksgiving so by Christmas my body is free again because this can be the worst time of the year for your body because of all the rich food we put into it. If anyone does look into this, please make sure you read the book cover to cover prior to starting it so you fully understand what you're getting into. Also, depending on the medication you're on, it may affect your health, so please check with a doctor prior to doing so.

So far I have lost 25lbs and I plan on losing at least 15-20lbs if not more. One of my friends who didn't have much to lose lost 15lbs alone doing  the cleanse and I'm hoping I get just as big, if not bigger results than she did. Here's to hoping I finally found my 'Aha!' moment, thanks to my best friend.

Helpless

<p>You wake up on a Sunday morning after a day of complete and utter couch potato-ness and you say to yourself, "It's been a month since I picked up the weights, if I don't start today it could be another month before you feel like trying again." So you get up, put on your yoga pants and your favorite pink under armour shirt and your matching pink asics. As you walk by the candy bowl that you were so found of yesterday, you proudly walk by and say, "Nuh uh, you're not sucking me in today." So you put on your favorite pandora station and start grooving. It's a little tough after a month but you don't care cause you're determined. You get nine minutes in and you start to feel the shakes but you try to push through. You start to feel light headed but nope you keep trying to push cause you're halfway through. And then it comes, the feeling you hate the most because you know you have to reach for that candy bar now not because you want to but because it's the only thing that'll keep you from running to the porcelain express with a ghost white face that makes Mischa Barton in the Sixth sense look like a teddy bear. The sad thing is it's the one time a fat kid can't even force a candy bar down because your blood sugars telling your stomach it wants out not in. Now you're lying on the cold bathroom floor praying it either stops or just comes already. You're lying in a pool of sweat but you can't tell if it's from your body freaking out because of your blood sugar or if it's from your workout. Eventually you get youself to sit up and try to dry heave a few times and then finally your body realizes that you just put chocolate in you and then all is well because your sugar is back up. You stand up, walk back to your workout area &amp; you keep pushing but your body isn't ready. You try to lift the weights but your body hasn't regained it's full strength yet but you try to keep going. The weights are shaking so much you can barely hold onto them but you finish your set. Then the feeling comes back and you collapse on the floor right then and there because after all that you refuse to put another candy bar in your mouth. Then you start to think, "Well, the disease got to me yesterday because of the cravings and making me run down. Today the disease got me down because I tried to workout without knowing my blood sugar was low. I can't win." And that's when the self pity creeps in because on a daily basis you feel so helpless. Between the food, looks, weight, forced exhaustion and cravings, you can't win! And then you have to ask yourself, when are doctors going to care? When are they going to wake up and realize that it's painful, causes obesity and cancer and that it's overall detrimental to a lot of womens health in general. And then you remember that they don't care and neither to the insurance companies because to them, it's just cosmetic, to them it doesn't affect 1 in 10 women, it isn't directly related to heart disease, or ovarian cancer or breast cancer. Miraculously to them, they could give two shits that it's going untreated and probably killing a lot of women.